Autonomy

This past Saturday I had the strongest intuition to call Jackie and ask her to go to WalMart with me. I fought it off for two hours, then called her. She was more than willing to go. We went, acted somewhat formal, and came home. Afterward she asked if I’d consider having dinner with her ever so often. I hemmed and hawed and basically told her no.

That felt right. I don’t want to get back into the relationship.

Sunday, today, I had the feeling – not an intuition, but a thought – to call her and trade dinners for treatments. I decided I didn’t know which way to think and surrendered the idea to God.

The following is from the Zodiac page for Monday. I wrote my thoughts at the end, and my surrendering it to God:

From Jonathan, for Monday the 26th:

“The ability to adapt is a strength not a weakness. Don't apologise for your current inclination to adjust an attitude. You are not copping out; you are integrating yourself more closely with a source of power. This will give you much greater autonomy.” Autonomy: personal independence.

I take this to mean that I CAN tell Jackie we can swap meals for treatments. What do You think, God? I’d like guidance. I’m thinking I’m in danger of slipping back into the relationship. I don’t want that. I MUST have my autonomy so I can move forward independently. Help me, God, lead me. Thank You, God, Thank You Thank You Thank You. Thank You, God.

Later:

I got my answer, Thank You very much, God. Jim called to update me on his weekend in Laredo with Susan. We got off on the topic of Jackie and Saturday’s expedition and my thoughts today. He had several intuitions about it (readings) and I got the gist of it real quick: if I don’t break it off, completely, it won’t be broken off. I won’t have the solitude in which to grow (by confronting my Aloneness) and I won’t be able to meet the woman I’m supposed to meet.

I WANT to meet her. I NEED to meet her. I NEED her in my life – as an adult. No codependency. Adult.

That means growing up and learning how to be ME.

Jim and I talked about how having any kind of relationship with Jackie was a mistake. While I was discussing my Saturday “intuition,” I suddenly heard the difference: Saturday’s “intuition” was an ego roar. It was loud, noisy, brilliant, brassy. It was overpowering. It was ego driven. Intuitions are still small voices. I’ve got to learn to tell the difference.

Today’s intuition wasn’t. It was a thought. A thought is quieter but there’s no Spirit back of it. So I’m getting the test pretty quick. Now I need to listen to what comes, all the time, to tell if it’s intuition or thought or ego-blast.

Damn. Now I’m wondering if that Monday night’s visions were ego-blast or Spirit. Well, I’m on the path, now. Can’t go back. At least not to Jackie. There’s too many problems there. It’d be like Jim going back to Pat. Too limiting. And what if those visions were to move me off the Jackie relationship? Then they were right.

Okay, so I made my choice to end the relationship. I’m free of Jackie and all the psychological problems that engendered. I’m on my OWN, now, and I have to get used to being ALONE. Alone is really All-One. One within myself, one with God. Ah! THERE’S the lesson! I have to learn how to be at-One-ment with God. I have to build on my relationship with God within me. And there’s no way except by constant study and meditation. So, the end of the relationship is merely an obstacle removed. Now I can do my work, God’s work, and not be fighting off Jackie’s train-wreck personality. She’s too noisy for me now.

Coming up at Unity are a couple of classes, in December. One is The Magic of Spiritual Psychological Inventory, which sounds like it might be right up my alley. It’s $15. I can handle that, it’s in December. Sunday the 9th. I get the feeling the facilitator will be doing the sermon that day. We’ll see.

Then there’s Families of Choice. It’s a workshop in time for the Christmas season. Should have been given in early November for Thanksgiving. But it’ll work for Christmas. I’m thinking it’ll be good for me, because I’m not playing closely with my family of origin anymore.

I suppose the great news here is that I figured out which prayers to use for the foreseeable future, and I got my answer about Jackie. And the whole relationship. I’m sitting pretty, now. As I told Jim, I always get answers. From the Universe – for his mind – and from God, for my mind. I’m really quite a bit more connected to God within than I’d thought.

Now to go sit and be calm. Be quiet. Be at peace. Perhaps some music? Or silence? Probably silence, it seems to work better in the long run.

At least Jackie won’t be calling. Now let’s trust Jimmy won’t call, either.

Come to think of it, the question is, Do I want to serve on the Board of Trustees at Unity Church? Personally I’m wondering why there were so many resignations so fast. I figure Darrel Reichel quit because of the divorce from Elaine. I know Mary Jaquysh quit because of her job conflict. Barbara Kana couldn’t serve because of Michele’s sickness. But I don’t know why the other person quit. Was it over the new property? I’m as leery of getting into a regular mortgage payment as anybody, but who am I to tell them? It’s bought, now. The payments will be due each month. That and paying for the minister’s salary. I, personally, would rather have put the money aside to buy another church. There WILL be one coming up for sale at the right time and place for us. We could just move into their building and it’d be a real step up for us. But then, who am I to tell them about Divine Synchronicity?

Okay, God, if they ask me, do I say I’ll serve? Yes, of course. It’s service to the church.

Later:

Now: again with Jonathan:

From Jonathan, for Monday the 26th:

“The ability to adapt is a strength not a weakness. Don't apologise for your current inclination to adjust an attitude. You are not copping out; you are integrating yourself more closely with a source of power. This will give you much greater autonomy.” Autonomy: personal independence.

Let’s read this from MY viewpoint, MY side of the equation. “The ability to adapt is a strength, not a weakness.” My adapting to the new demands of my life is a strength. I have had the strength to break away from the negative relationship.

“Don’t apologize for your current inclination to adjust an attitude. You are not copping out;” No, I’m not. Regardless of what she thinks or says, I’m not copping out. I’m backing out, stepping out, because **I** have to get ME right.

“…you are integrating yourself more closely with an source of power. This will give you much greater autonomy.” No shit. I’m integrating myself with God. I’m getting my relationship with God, within, strengthened and built up. I need this in order to move on into my new relationship with my perfect partner. I need this growth for ME. I can’t stay in this old cramped situation with Jackie. I MUST be free.

So, I AM. I AM free. I AM my own man, for the first time in my life. And I AM going to learn from it, lean into it, grow with it. I deserve it, I will have it. I AM it.

My reading of this forecast was in error. I needed to see it differently. The key phrase is, “source of power.” With Jackie is no power. With Forrest IS power.

So, Thank You, God, Thank You. You’ve shown me once again how much You love me. I may as well relax and let You be in charge. Life works so much better that way, anyhow.

Later

I called Cathy and left a message that I’d broken up with Jackie. She called back and we’ve set tomorrow night for a treatment for her. She was amazed at why I’d broken off the relationship. But I told her the truth: it’s time for me to move on. So, we’ll see if Jackie can let me have a treatment free of interruptions or not. I think she will. I don’t think she’d be dumb enough to try to barge in or call. So, she won’t. I’ll have a treatment completely free of her influence. No worries.

Affirmation: My life is free and easy now. I have walked away from Jackie. I AM able to sit quietly all the time, studying, meditating or reading, praying, whatever, in perfect peace. I grow closer to God every day in every way. I AM surrendering to God within me at every turn. I keep my mind stayed on God and I AM blessed.

Okay, that’s enough for tonight. This has been a long note, but when I’m talking to God I tend to go on about everything. Thank You, God.