Post-Holiday

I just finished sitting in the recliner, after reading some of the pages I’ve printed out. I’m not sure why I read the stuff I’ve written, I just get jangled. All the thoughts get mish-mashed in my mind. Then again, all the thoughts blend into one central idea, that God IS All There Is. Then I begin to notice the music. This time it was Steve Roach, and I’ve discovered again that almost all his recordings are too dark for me. I’ve pulled out a Reiki CD and have it on now. Maybe the only Reiki CD that might be happy enough is by Merlin’s Magic. I don’t know. Have to play all those CDs and see what they sound like.

I wrote an email to Linda just a bit ago. I went on and on, and shouldn’t have, but I did. The one I need to be writing is Ross. We haven’t talked in a while and I figure he needs a boost. Everybody else is out for the weekend.

Jackie was here and we seemed to be okay. She didn’t cry this time – or, I wasn’t aware if she did – and we got the Christmas Dinner flyer and menu made up. Now she has to go around and see about getting money for the plates and silverware etc., plus seeing who can make what to bring. There’s also the gift exchange, which we’ll have to see if anybody brings anything. Don’t have a clue as to how that’s going to go.

In one way I think the deal with Jackie is going to work out all right. Then again I don’t know how she’s going to feel after a bit. Especially with Christmas coming up and her deep religious feeling. She might try to push for more. I certainly hope not.

Now to see what God has to say to me about the Jackie relationship. I have to find out whether I’ve closed this door or not. The thing is, we’re still neighbors, and that means a certain amount of contact. And we’re on the Party Board, which means we’re still working together.

Now I wonder what God’s gonna do with me. I know that only Good will come of all this, and I’m looking forward to that Good. All I can do is surrender to His Will, and let it all flow. There may be untold delights waiting for me. I know they are, I just don’t know where they are yet.

After those visions I feel like my life’s been laid out, showing me how wonderful everything will be. They were definite visions about MY future, and I could see myself living them. It was truly awesome. There were people, a woman, new Friends, and Prosperity. Now all I have to do is GET there. Yes, I know, Patience. Well, I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait, but I know I’ll get there. God is in control.

When I was visiting Linda last night she listened to me talk about my visions and carefully asked if I was considering suicide. I told her no, I didn’t have suicide urges any more. I still get the thoughts, but not the urges. Strange, but true.

Just finished an email to Ross. Let’s see if he responds this weekend. Probably won’t until Monday, but one never knows.

Later

And now the evening crashes down upon me. The emptiness of the night stretches out ahead, no one to talk to, no one here to be with. Just me. All Alone.

Well, that’s what I wanted. Time to be Alone. I never have been Alone before. I’ve always run from this terrible emptiness, trying to find myself in someone else. Perhaps that’s where codependency comes from.

So I have an evening in which I can read – a couple of books I haven’t touched since they were last moved onto the shelf, and which I’ve not read because I just didn’t have the oomph to tackle them. I can write, which I’m doing now, and finding to be an empty activity. On the one hand I long for a new novel, on the other I’m so glad I don’t have that responsibility.

It would be so vastly easy to call up Jackie, go down there and sit around, being with her. Just being there. But I’ve already seen that that scenario won’t work. I have to go forward from here on my own. I have to confront my demons and move forward. I have to face my aloneness and learn to live with it. Maybe it’ll become a new Friend.

When I think of Jackie, I think of all the good stuff about her, the sex and the whole gamut of emotions. Then I remember that it doesn’t work with her. She always wants to be in contact, and I have no chance to breathe. No chance to sit and think.

Today, for better or worse, I gave her the list of all the reasons why I couldn’t continue in a relationship with her. She didn’t throw a hissy-fit or anything. She simply slipped that page into the pile of paper I had for her and didn’t say a word about it. Maybe, just maybe, she took it home to read, although she hasn’t done that in the past. Still, she didn’t say anything.

There’s a comfort about having a woman in my life. Even if that was Sherry. Even if that was Laura Jean. Even if that was Jackie. The problem is, I know there’s so much more waiting for me. Waiting for me to grow up and be an adult about all this. To stop being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. To be in a relationship for all the RIGHT reasons, in all the right ways. To be a healthy adult person in a healthy adult relationship.

Oh, I know there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. I’m not a fool in that regard. But I know there’s more for me, there’s more in my future than settling for what seems to be the last chance for happiness. I did that with Sherry. Who knows who I would have met in Tucson if I hadn’t glommed onto her right after I got there?

I think back and realize that all my relationships happened instantly, after change. It was like there wasn’t even time for a rebound before there was the next one. And I didn’t seem to realize that they all had the same problem: me. I ruined a lot of relationships just by being so needy, so desperate, so mentally messed up.

Now I’m stable and thinking, and I want to be clear of the old patterns. I want to be able to choose what I want in life. I want to choose who I see and how I see them, try out an adult relationship. Try to live life aware of what’s going on.

I’ve always admired people who were so brilliantly on the ball that they saw stuff happening right before it happened. I was always a day late and a dollar short. No wonder I had such an inferiority complex. But now I’m beginning to see that I, Forrest, have intrinsic worth. I have something to offer Life, and my offering is needed by God. I have a part in The Plan. I have a role to play. There’s a deep-seated understanding of Me in there, somewhere. That’s a big shift in the way I see myself. Bravo for you, Forrest!