San Antonio

I was cruising in my recliner (mentally cruising) when Jim called and asked me to run to San Antonio with him. He needed to pick up something. I went.

We got in and out reasonably quickly. Traffic was backed up a lot, but not badly. People were cutting into lines some, as usual. I think it was normal average traffic. Jim was much calmer than I’ve ever seen him when he’s been behind the wheel. Really smooth.

When we got back he called Susan. She talked to me and I told her he had been much smoother this time. She was aghast that he might have been worse. I assured her he was doing great.

When Jim left, after a glass of tea, I went and did a mile. As I got to the laundry room, I stopped in to check my mail. Jackie was there. She offered me a stuffed bell pepper for dinner. I declined. She asked me if I was going to T-day dinner at her family’s tomorrow. I declined. Then she asked if she could come out and say hello to Linda tomorrow. I dismissed it, and hope like hell she won’t try to force anything there.

I may have to tell her it’s over, again. I’m not looking forward to that, and don’t WANT to have to do that, but it may be necessary. I’m waiting on a clear sign. I know I’ll get one, just don’t know when – or what.

Jonathan had an interesting forecast for tomorrow: “There's something intrinsically satisfying about the slow evolution of a situation. What you have today is what you need. The same will be true tomorrow.”
So I’m taking that as allowing the situation to develop in its own time. It also applies to my Spiritual development. I keep wanting to have all this Enlightenment, and I want it, Right Now!! I have to remember that it takes time to get there. Takes time to get there. Dammit.

But I AM learning patience. I’ve gotten a LOT better this past year. I keep finding myself resting easy, sometimes just sitting and BE-ing, instead of DO-ing something. That’s a new one for me. I’m also sitting and meditating, which is getting to be better and better all the time. For a while there I was sitting down and MEDITATING!! Which means I was straining at it so hard it’s a wonder I didn’t break something in my head. Or my ass. Now I’m seeing that I can get there easily, just by taking my time and letting it happen.

Oh, joy, oh rapture. She just came down to get a can of chiles. And ended up crying. Well, I think I gotta cut it off completely. Leaving a trail of feelings won’t work. I gotta be clear of her. Otherwise it’ll be right back into it. And I don’t want that. I really don’t want that. I want to be clear and free. Now to see what God does.