Independence

I’m at the church:

It’s Texas Independence Day. There are Texas flags everywhere in front of businesses. That’s wonderful, it reminds people that we were an independent country before we joined – not annexed – the United States. That’s why the Texas flag flies equally with the U.S. flag here.

The Board retreat was wonderful. Not only was the ranch fabulous, but the house was excellently beautiful. It sits on top of a hill and there is a 360 degree horizon view. And the horizon is a long way off. At night there’s a HUGE array of stars, they’re far enough away from other lights it’s magnificent.

We got a lot of work done. Brainstorming, ideas galore, and exploring issues. I felt part of the family, not the new guy. We ate like kings at a feast. The whole weekend was wonderful, and Saturday night we sat out on the South porch with a fire in the huge limestone fireplace. The flames were mesmerizing, very primal. My bed, upstairs under the eaves, was so comfortable I ALMOST felt as good as at home in my own bed. Even though it got really cold Saturday night, I was toasty warm under the down comforter.

I did get up in the middle of the night, though. Friday night I was tired and slept straight through – well, until 6:30, when Fred got up – but after sitting up with the girls Saturday night and crawling in at 11, I woke up at 3:30 and went downstairs. Dotti was on the couch, reading, so I sat quietly and absorbed the ambiance. It was magnificent. Finally got up and went back to bed at 5. Then Fred got up at 7:30, and I got up too. Didn’t want to miss out on coffee.

During the weekend I did treatments on Mandy’s foot. That led to me giving Patty treatments on her thumbs, and that led to me helping Alice with her back, and that led to me giving Michelle treatments for her ribs. While I was working on Michelle, we talked and I asked her if she could take time to come to the church and see what was wrong with the computer…she’s the computer whiz. She said she had the new memory, she just hadn’t gotten back to the church. So I told her I was running the office on Monday and to please come by. We set a time of 11 and I got here at 10:30 so I could make coffee. Michelle got here just after 11 and quickly installed a memory card. She didn’t say how much she put in, she just installed it. When she booted up again, it was BLAZINGLY fast. Then she says we went from 512 mb to 2 GB!! WOW! Now I can USE this machine!

While she was here I gave her and BK a copy of Artesia. Autographed and everything. It’s my last copy, so I’ll need to order more tomorrow when my check hits. Come to think of it, I just made a list of what I need to get. Tires is one of the items…that’ll have to come out of savings. A pair may well run $125, all told. I just have to get some that aren’t out of round. My whole front end vibrates now, with the two I have on there.

And I want to get a new CD from Real Music. I feel like I need some new tunes for my computer. I probably really don’t, but I want it. And I haven’t gotten much that I really WANT in a while. I’m feeling like I ought to treat myself a little bit. So does that mean buying the books or getting a CD? Hmmm. I think the books are business and the CD is pleasure. So I’ll do both. I have the money. May as well be kind to Forrest.

I’m SOOO happy that Michelle updated this computer. I mean, even my typing gets on the screen faster!! That’s amazing.

This afternoon after I go by Jim’s and help him with his desk, I’m going to go to Lowe’s and get a door lock. Get two extra keys made, and go change out the lock on my storeroom. I’m gonna see if I can get Floyd to help me move Jackie’s stuff out of there, and take the spare keys to Edie. Let Jackie drop off her key wherever she wants. I’m done with her. I’m gonna pile that shit in the breezeway and let her sweat it. I don’t want to even talk to her anymore. She’s lied about me all over the complex, and that’s enough.

At the Board retreat we did an empowerment walk at the end. As we finished the twelve steps, we went through a line of all the other trustees. A purple ribbon was put around my neck for completing the walk. I felt as though a mantle had been placed on me. A mantle of responsibility, to the church and this community. It was like getting an advanced degree at a university. Very nice. I have it hanging on my bulletin board now, where I can see it every time I look up.

I felt okay all weekend, even though my meds have been changed. I don’t know if that’s a function of the Lamictal or if the reduced dose of Risperdal only hit me Thursday night. Then again, I may need a week or two to get over the reduction in that med. Dr. Shaw wanted me to taper off it over a month. I think that’ll work. I don’t know what would happen if I stopped the stuff cold turkey, and I don’t think I want to have to find out.

Cutting the Zoloft down won’t be a problem. I’ve gone on and off that before, and its effect is a slow change. When you go on it, there’s just a day somewhere when you feel better. It’s gradual.

I brought my copy of Deepak Chopra’s book The Third Jesus to read this morning, while waiting for this office stint to go by. I’m not really feeling like I want to dive in to it right now, but I suppose I can. Hmmm. May as well start now, I need to read some, quiet my mind.

Reminds me – I gotta buy some coffee and creamer for the church. I’m through buying for the rec room at the complex. It’s time to give here.

Later

Ah, developments:

Patty came in to pick up the newsletter to take it to get it copied. She couldn’t get it to work – first the picture wouldn’t transfer across or save, then the printer wouldn’t work. She decided to leave it for tomorrow when she’s feeling better. She’s still wiped out from the Board retreat.

Stuart called and came in with the money from the offering yesterday. I got the bag and counted up the money, made the deposit slips and handed it to Patty to take to the bank. Another task done.

While I was adding up the offering etc I looked at the bank account stamp and it’s almost dry. At first I was gonna leave Fred a note to put more ink in it, then I realized that I’m a Board member: it’s MY responsibility to do that kind of thing. Damn. Work already. So I got the ink and lubed up the pad. Let’s hope it works better now.

I also asked for a key to the desk. It’s getting old having to go into the lock box to get that key every Sunday. I’d rather have a desk key.

It’s about time to go get some lunch, and then head for Jim’s. I don’t know if he’s gonna have the hallway cleared out or not. Have to call first.

Called Vivian. She’s sore, and almost fell twice on her way to the office this morning. I’ve gotta give her another treatment tonight. She soaked up the energy last night. It made her dizzy, it was so strong.

I’m off and running.

Back at home

I stopped by the grocery store and got water. Saw Alice and her husband John there, sat with them as I ate my sushi. Now sushi, there’s a treat for me. I bought coffee and creamer, took them to the church. So we’re set there for a while. Went by Home Depot and got a locking door handle. Had two extra keys made, for Edie. Now to see how hard it is to put that lock in. I have this funny feeling it’ll go in like a hot knife into warm butter – EASY.

Jim came by the church just as I was getting ready to head out. He hasn’t gotten his hallway cleared out, he’s waiting on the satellite dish guy to get there on Wensdy. Then he’ll move things around. That’s good, I wasn’t in the mood to move his desk today, anyway.

So I’m home, and am getting ready to empty out my store room. I’m having a cup of coffee right now, when I’m finished I’ll go get busy. Hope Floyd is home. He can help me. Otherwise I’ll have to move it all myself. Oh, well, either way it’s getting done.

Later

Jackie’s pounding on my door. I’m not answering it. I don’t want to talk to her. I emptied out the store room today, and piled all her stuff in the breezeway. I bought the lock at Home Depot, but couldn’t get the old one out of the door. So I just locked it up and let it go.

After I had that problem, I called Edie and told her what I’d done. She said that was fine, that I’d done okay because I’d told her in a note what I wanted, and gave her plenty of time to get her stuff out. She said she’d send one of the guys up tomorrow to change out the lock, so I could have security on my stuff.

Jim and Vivian are both cheering me on. I feel pretty good about it all. I’d done with her. Okay, the pounding on the door has stopped, and the phone has rung. Jackie’s done her best to harass me. I just don’t want to have anything to do with her. Not anymore.

When I talked with Jim earlier, to let him know I’d done it, he cheered me and we got to talking about relationships. He said that he and Susan are naturally moving further and further apart, because of her beliefs. She’s becoming more and more fundamentalist – just like his ex-wife Pat did, and just like Jackie did. Jim feels like there’s gonna be another woman in his life, and he’s aware that she needs to be from Unity, or with those ideals. That’s the same thing I’m looking for: a woman from the church, or with those ideals. I think my relationship is out there, waiting for me, looking for me, wanting me. She wants me as much as I want her. And we’re getting together. It’ll be nice, that’s for sure.

So there was a bright spot in the midst of the negativity of separating at last from Jackie.

After doing the deed, I went down to the laundry room to see if the mail had come yet. It hadn’t, all the little old ladies were sitting around waiting for it. Dorothy was there, and I told her what I’d done. “Jackie called me and said she couldn’t get her stuff out because she had the flu,” I told her, “but she’s lied to me so many times before I can’t believe her.” Dorothy said I’d done the right thing. Now, Billie was sitting there in her motorized wheelchair, listening intently. Billie’s on real close terms with Jackie. So I know the word got back to J fast. Oh, well, be careful who you tell what to around here – it spreads like wildfire. I’m learning that lesson, from Vivian. She keeps telling me she doesn’t talk to anyone, on purpose. I understand, now.

There’s banging outside in the breezeway. If Jackie opened up the storeroom and is putting things back in there, I’ll go out and empty them out again. And let Edie know. But I don’t think she’s doing that. At least, I HOPE not.

Strange how all this shit is coming down. I never thought I’d run into anybody so vicious, so nasty. Then again, I was married to Sherry all those years, I just never saw that side of her. Am I too trusting? I don’t know. I choose to see the good side of people. Hmmm. Edie’s sending one of the guys up tomorrow to change the lock. That’ll mean that if she put her shit back in there, it’ll be locked up tomorrow. Not bad. Let her sweat it then.

I’m curiously calm about this. Oh, there’s some anger in me, just not a lot. I think I’m getting past it.

It’s sneaking up on 7. I’m going down to Vivian’s at 7:30 tonight, work on her legs. She said she’s sore. When I called just a few moments ago, to tell her that if she called she’d have to leave me a message because I’m screening my calls, she was in the tub. Well, that means she’s soaking them, because she hurts. So there’s that.

There’s the pounding on the door again. She’s probably gonna tell me she’s put the stuff back in the store room. Well, let her sweat it tomorrow when they change the lock.

Edie’s really nice. She is working with me. Seems that she’s had to tell Jackie off, too. Oh, well. It’ll be interesting to see what happens now.

I have the Snowflake method to work on. I’m just not feeling like doing it right now. I’m going to stop pressing. I’ve realized I need to be flowing. And right now flowing feels like going in the least troublesome pathways. That’s Zen. Let Life bring me what needs to be done.

Right now I don’t know what to expect from Life. I feel like there’s a lot going on with the church. I’m on the Board and we’ve just made plans to move forward on a new building. There are sweeping changes coming there, in the congregation, too.

I don’t know what to expect in a relationship. Vivian feels okay, but I’m not sure what to think about her. She’s heavily fundamentalist. She’s also positive – mostly – and cheers me on. But she’s not a love interest. Oh, I suppose that’s all right. She fills my needs right now. I’m getting my hugs, she’s getting her hugs, we’re calming each other down. Just being around her for that hour and a half is very soothing. At least she turns the TV off.

I don’t know what to expect anywhere else. Jim and I are changing, too. I don’t feel the NEED to go to coffee and just sit there while the guys talk. I’m – well, it’s as though I’m past that, now. I wouldn’t mind sitting there ever so often, but it’s like I have a life. I don’t want to spend that time there. I can enjoy coffee here, better.

I don’t know about going to my niece’s wedding in June. I don’t think it’s gonna happen. Just too much money and labor-intensive stuff to be there. Besides, she won’t be noticing who’s there anyway. She’s gonna be so swept up in the wedding the only people who’ll be impressed are the relatives.

Later

Okay, all the banging and knocking about out there is done. I went out and looked and her stuff is gone. There’s no note on my door. I AM missing a planter with some succulents in it. I suppose I’ll lose the rest of my plants, as she gets angry and steals them. Oh, well, it’ll mean I don’t have to water them. Still, it’d be nice not to have to sweat my stuff getting ripped off. She used her key and went into the store room, took a piece of wood that was in there. I left it because I didn’t think it was important. She took it. Okay, fine. My two boxes are still there. I still have the canopy and the poles. Oh, well. After they change the lock tomorrow, I’ll put my stuff back.

It’s time for Vivian’s. I’m tired, but I’m going anyway.

Later

I’m back from Vivian’s. Gave her another treatment on her legs, only not as long. Didn’t feel like she needed the length. The energy was there, and she felt it, but it wasn’t a heavy working.

When I finished, and she was sitting there feeling little electric shocks all through her knees, she took my hand. And exclaimed about how hot it was. Well, YEAH! My hands get real hot when I’m working energy. It flows through me. It’s not OF me, it’s THROUGH me. It’s God’s gift to me. I just direct it locally. When Michelle asked what I charge, I told her I take donations. I don’t have a set fee. I don’t even have a fee. I’d LIKE to charge, but it’s not necessary. I’d rather help, and have God drop money on me freely. The more I get, the more I can tithe.

And as I was sitting there, relaxing, I kept feeling the heat flowing. It’s still flowing, and it’s been almost an hour since I began the treatment on her. It flows freely. I think I’m going to go lie down and do the Sacred Healing Meditation thing, with my right hand on my hara (pubic chakra) and my left on my heart. It’s very soothing to me, calms me right down. And that’s what I need tonight: calming. I haven’t had hives, and I’m wondering about that. The first thought is that I took action. I’m not tense or worried about things because I acted. I ignored Jackie’s pounding on my door, and the phone calls. She took care of the stuff herself. That’s good. Jim’s very supportive. So’s Vivian. So I have my team cheering me on.

Tomorrow’s the church at 10:30 for the Prosperity class – till noon – then I go to the bank and do the USB flash drive swap. Get cash. Plan my monthly budget. Help Jim turn his TV set so the satellite guy can get to the wall behind it on Wensdy. Get a nap. And get back to the church for the Tolle book study. I don’t know if I’m going to go to the next book study – they’re doing it on Tolle’s The Power Of Now. I may have had enough of the German guy for a while. Then again, I may finish Chopra’s The Third Jesus and want more. Who knows?

Right now I feel like I need to rest. Not stretch, not strain, not spend days sleeping, but rest. Simply sit and rest. No Snowflake. Let that come when it will. Same with walking. That’ll all come. Right now I’m in turmoil and I need to rest. It’ll all come when it’s ready. Zen, Forrest, Zen. Let Life bring it all to me.