Dawn

It’s 6:00 a.m. and I’m in here again. Just popped awake. The alarm is set for 9, I didn’t get to bed until 2, and I’ve gotta nap today. Well, after the VA appointment.

Went over to Diane’s new house yesterday. She needed me to come look at her mess of wires that connect her computers. There’s a giant plastic storage box FULL of cables. It was a complete disaster. Totally jumbled. So far over my head I got confused just looking at it all. She needs to call in professional help. We talked quite a bit though. Gave her a reading. I don’t know if she takes those to heart or not, but then, they’re HER readings. I just pass along what I get. She took me for a ride in her turquoise HHR. It’s two years old and has a whopping 14,000 miles on it. She’s babying it, James bought it for her and she cherishes it. Can’t blame her: it fits her perfectly.

She drove me around her mobile home park – very impressive, a LOT nicer than the park where Sherry and I lived. Then we went up the hill and looked at the view. That whole area is nice. From there it was out to the Wilderness, another park I knew was there but had never been in. That place is really nice, too. So I got some sightseeing. Her dog, a micro-poodle, is so placid it’s amazing. Rides in the car without a whimper, goes and sleeps without a complaint. She really got a good dog there.

Talked to my new neighbor the other night. She’s so messed up it’s horrifying. Abuse on every front: sexual, emotional, physical, alcohol, mental – a complete psychiatric manual. So stupid. Well, I can’t ever go into her apartment, that’s for sure. There’d be all sorts of accusations. Stay away.

It’s 6:45 a.m. I’ve been messing around reading emails and some web sites, checking out our weather (hot, sunny, just below 100s). I thought I’d crank out my appreciation letter to Mandy.

Got more coffee and sat down. Sure enough, the words came out easily, readily, very sincerely. I did pretty damn good. Now to get the letter to the church.

This morning I’m due to go to Vivian’s for breakfast – somewhere after 9. We were gonna go wash clothes last night at midnight, instead of her usual 4:00 a.m., but the conversation we were in got convoluted and emotional, leaving us sitting there exhausted until almost 1:30. Don’t let anyone ever tell you grieving is no big deal. It’s hard! You need a good support system. Vivian’s got me, I’m almost through with Sherry. Viv’s got some time to go on her sister. I think she feels abandoned – Lou was her last sibling, and now she’s all alone. I can feel that, I was thrown for a loop when my mother died, leaving me the oldest child/sibling. It’s a mantle not to be taken lightly.

Finally we agreed to go wash at midnight tonight. She likes to go then because all the machines are empty and the other tenants don’t come in to gossip and yammer. After going with her several times I see her point. Besides, I don’t have anything on my agenda on Thursday, and can sleep late. The only item that might intrude is if I gotta take her to the beauty salon at 10, if her elder daughter can’t. Don’t know yet.

I’m going to call Reverend Patty to see if she wants a treatment on her thumbs. It’s been a couple of weeks and I don’t know if she’s still interested. I gotta go over to the church anyway. Now I’m wondering if I oughta take that letter to Mandy. It IS a bit over the top. She just got up there and sang. But she did it so well, Fred commented favorably. I thought I’d pass the kudos on. Now I hope she doesn’t get too embarrassed.

Since I’ll be on that end of town, I’ll run by WalMart and pick up a few things. I don’t usually go in there, don’t need that much.

This new antidepressant, Wellbutrin, is doing very well for me. I read up on it and found that it has the least side effects of all this type of drugs. I’ve seen that in my general interest since I got on it.

Vivian says I’m brighter, happier, more animated, more “myself.” I’m feeling better. I have more interest in life. Oh, I’m still exhausted from talking with her every night, but overall everything is a LOT better. I gotta remember to tell Dr. Shaw all this.

I’m still jiggling my right foot, a Risperdal effect, here in late June – after stopping the drug in mid-April. My thumb no longer erects, but the foot is still going. I’m not grinding my teeth like I was on the Zoloft. I am now clear of the jaw clenching I had on the Celexa. Problem is, portions of those side effects linger. There’s the bruised nerve in a tooth – it still carps at me when I drink cold stuff, like yogurt, milk, iced tea. Heat doesn’t bother it. Dentist said no decay, just bruised. My tongue is a whole other problem. I’m still working it against my teeth – hard. It’s a constant activity. I’m usually sore on at least one side, all the time.

And there’s the biting lips thing. Since I don’t have all those teeth, my lips flap in and WHAMMO!! I’m bit. God, that hurts! And the hole where a filling fell out has jagged edges, which cut the tip of my tongue. It’s a never-ending battle. I need to go see if I can get another filling, without breaking the bank.

Then there’s the pain in my neck. It’s still there. It began with the Celexa: a serious tightening in the center of my neck. That was compounded by the ghastly headache at the base of my skull – which is gone now – but the neck pain still comes back regularly. Ibuprofen helps, but doesn’t eliminate it. I’m down to one tablet at a time – just 200 mg ever once in a great while instead of the 400 I was gulping every two hours. But overall I’m doing pretty damn good.

I gotta get an estimate on replacing all my hoses and belts. It’s time, and it’s gonna be a long HOT summer. Don’t want a failure.

I’m proud of myself for writing that letter to Mandy. I hope she takes it in the vein it was written in. I hope it thrills her. She needs an uplift.

Diane said she reads my blog regularly. That’s scary. It means she’s paying attention. Egad.

Getting up at 6 means I got four hours’ sleep. That’s not enough. I’ll have to crash after the VA, and set the alarm for 5 for Dorothy. Then hope I can sleep afterward. And Viv will be as yearning as ever. She really does have a huge hole in her heart that needs filling – by me. So I’ve stepped up to the plate, and I gotta take the bad with the good. Oh, well, it’s a very tenable position. I’m getting so much out of it. There’s the adult interaction, the partnership, the love, the hugs, the matter-of-fact aspect. And it’s ALL so natural. Jim’s real firm about her being my best possible relationship, and maybe for life. I can handle that.

Patty said I needed to be careful I didn’t get back into a caregiving relationship. I understand that and have to be wide awake to keep from it. Then again, I don’t think she’d let it get that bogged down. At least, I hope not. I feel like she knows I couldn’t survive that. She’d cut me loose before that happened.

It’s Wensdy the 24th. A week and two days until payday. I have enough money to make it just fine. That’s another thing: since I started tithing, I have enough money EVERY month. I usually have money in my wallet at any given time. I always have gas money. There’s plenty for groceries. And I have so much food it’s almost obscene. I have more food than I can eat in a month! There’s ALWAYS more – and still more coming in! Between Dorothy and Vivian, I’m gonna get fat. I have to remember to stick to my cottage cheese and yogurt diet.

Which leaves the lunch gorging. Vivian likes Taco Casa. I love their food. The beans sing to me. Then I sing with the beans, but hey! That’s beans. I want to go to Cici’s Pizza again. There’s a whole gamut of flavors there, and I’m not stuck with just one. Besides, Little Ceasar’s doesn’t have the $5 special anymore. Cici’s it is. Now to get Vivian to go along, if she wants. It’ll have to be lunch.

And Paw-Paw’s Barbecue – I’ve got a hankering for ribs. Messy, but tasty in the extreme. There’s another lunch date.

It’s already 8:30. I need to get dressed and go down for breakfast. That’s the really nice thing about writing: my usual uniform is my underwear. Coffee’s in the kitchen, just 10 feet away – I measured it – and the foam pad under the keyboard keeps the top of my thighs comfortable. Plus it holds the ‘board from sliding off. This really IS the best of all worlds. Now all I need is a serious writing project. Oh, well, in time.

Later

It’s 1:15 a.m. Thursday. I’m just back from washing clothes with Vivian. We got it all done, and she’s headed for bed. Hope she can sleep.

Yesterday was the VA appointment with my counselor. Joann listened to me run through all the changes since Sherry: Jackie, Linda, hives, Vivian. Then the Risperdal withdrawal, and church viewing/acceptance. Vivian’s watching me, too.

Then the May 18th revelation. How deep, how sweeping: loss of fear of angry mother, loss of fear of angry woman, loss of fear of money, loss of fear of life in general…raising my head to see I’m a real person, that I’m in a real relationship – adult, even steven, peer to peer, no agendas, no control, no codependency, and no mothering. Just two adults meeting in the middle. Love all over, Viv demanding more and more of me, but when I ask for time off, she’s okay with that. Doesn’t like it, but it’s okay.

I’m happy. I’m having three moods today: happy, REAL happy, and slightly depressed. Most of the day’s been happy. I’ve had several points of being REAL happy. Most of that was after being at the church this morning.

Joann said this is “normal.” This is what normal people live like. Mostly happy. Satisfied for the main part. I’m scared of it because I spent 59 years in bipolar shit. All I know is mania and depression. Now I have a new way of living to get used to. I’m “normal.” Have to integrate it, assimilate it, get my head around it.

I wrote my books on automatic writing because I was in such deep despair I had to have something to get me through it. So out came the books. Now I don’t have the despair – and won’t, the rest of my life. I’m “normal.” I used the writing as my journal, my escape, my refuge when I was under so much pressure. Now I have nothing to say, so I don’t write blog posts every day. I DO write the Notes, but those are personal and don’t belong online.

So I’m in a new place. May 18th was like, well, jumping from one Universe to another. An entire new part of the sky. Complete change.

I walked out of there with my mind exploding. I am normal! After all these years, I’m normal, I’m okay! Holy Shit! I gotta learn all new subconscious behaviors to be able to get through a day without having to spend all my time being super conscious of where I’m putting my foot or placing my hand! Much less what I think or say!

So I’ve cusped. I’m on the other side, and it feels great here. I’m home.

Jim and I talked some yesterday evening, about my change. And he made some interesting comments. I took them to heart, and feel better. We had a good guy talk session.

I had a shocker, at the VA. Joann told me to cut back on my activities, radically. I have no business getting stressed, getting wrapped up in outside stuff. I need to be sleeping in a long block of uninterrupted hours. I need to take a nap in the afternoons. I need to be VERY wary of getting in too deep around this complex, as in, giving too many treatments. Yeah, I have this gift, but I don’t need to be doing it willy-nilly. I told her about my friend Diane, who just lost her husband. I was told to pull back, get MY shit together. I’m still not able to take care of me. So I gotta call Diane and tell her I can’t help anymore. I got a reading there, that I was crimping her from growing up and taking charge of her own life. Well, I don’t know how that’s gonna go down with her, but I gotta get me healed first.

And I’m off to bed. This is just too late, and I’m just too tired.