Flat

I’m not feeling anything. Not too depressed, and definitely not up. Flat. If this is normal, I’m ruined.

Slept in this morning, until Jim called at 11:30. He wanted to go to breakfast. The only place in this town is Denny’s. So we wandered over and found out they have a new blend of coffee. They’re getting closer and closer to Starbuck’s all the time. Denny’s doesn’t have that burnt bitter taste, though.

Jim talked about ending his relationship with Susan. He’s doing very well at finding all those little nuances which show him the similarities between her and Pat. I think he’ll be getting these flashes for some time. Then again, he tends to sit and worry something to death. He may have it all figured out by next week.

Anyway, he’s doing real well. Got a couple of irons in the fire, which may or may not give him something to work with, and he’s evaluating his social circle here in town. So far he’s figured out that he needs a wider net. So we’ll see what he comes up with. All he’s really sure of is that there’s no action here. It’s all “how much money do you have?”

The next gallery showing is in November and he has some work to do to get ready. At least he has a good rapport with the owner. That helps a lot.

Today during our conversation Jim kept bringing up the lack of guilt. I thought about that and realized that I had tons of guilt with Sherry – especially when she was in the nursing home and all I could do was run back and forth trying to placate her demands for stuff. It was guilt I felt for not being able to take care of her. Jackie, thank God, broke me of that burden. And the codependency. I came out of THAT relationship a real winner.

Since I’ve been talking with Vivian, I’m really getting better every day. I’m finding I LIKE myself. My view of me is improving all the time. I no longer jump to offer to help everyone. I remember to take care of me first. Now, Vivian will exclaim in anguish that I’m NOT taking care of me, I’m too busy doing things for everybody else and not getting a nap in the afternoon. Well, when the writing begins again, I’ll be blowing straight through naps. Hmmm. If I walked regularly I’d be far better balanced and a lot healthier. Now: when to walk? The heat of Summer is already upon us – it’s been almost 100 every day here for the past week – and whenever I could go it would be too hot. No, I don’t walk in the mornings. I’m too slow to get started.

But I feel flat. Maybe I’m just tired. My neck is sore – very sore. Feels like I seriously strained it somehow. I don’t have the headaches at the base of my skull like I used to, and the jaw clenching is easing up. My one tooth that keeps being super sensitive is slowly getting better. I’m not ramming my tongue into my teeth as much, it only hurts ever so often. All in all, I’m getting better. Now if my neck would calm down, I’d be over all the agonies of side effects from Celexa.

The shift onto Wellbutrin seems to be going very well. I feel no drag and no squelching. Flat, yes, there’s that, but no noticeable cropping at the top and bottom. Then again, I was on Wellbutrin for ten years in Arizona. Did just fine. Now to get the Celexa out of my system. I see the doctor next in July. I think I’ll be fine by then.

I haven’t been on this computer for what seems like a long time. I just haven’t felt like writing. No blog posts, no stories, no daily notes to myself…I haven’t even backed up my files and taken the flash drive to the safety deposit box. I’ve just been in free-fall. I missed my niece’s wedding at the beginning of the month – didn’t have the money or means to get there. Not sure how I feel about that. In one sense, I missed a big booze bash of all their friends, and in another sense I missed a family reunion that doesn’t happen very often – if ever. But it’s over, and I missed it. So there’s no use crying over spoiled milk.

I’m eating unconsciously again. Just stuffing myself whenever I go into the kitchen. There’s too much food sitting there. I feel like I have to eat the huge amounts I have on hand. I’ve got to get back to my cottage cheese and yogurt diet. I feel GOOD on it. I like the lightness, and the yogurt gives me the sweetness I crave. Simplify, simplify. Live a simple life.

I wrote in my previous post about the “want to” begin writing again. Well, that went away quick. Overall, I think I’m getting closer to wanting to sit down here at the keyboard, but I’m bouncing around in my desires. Most of the time I spend down at Vivian’s, helping her and talking. We do so well, hashing out the stuff we’ve carried all these years.

This evening I spent 30 minutes helping the apartment manager learn how to back up pictures to a flash drive. Once we figured it out, I ran her through the process from start to finish several times so she’d have it. She was real happy to learn how. I was real happy to have shown her something on her Windows machine, which I don’t know very well. Macs are so much easier.

Tomorrow church is gonna have a guest speaker. Patty’s gone to national conference, and will be back Tuesday, I think. She always comes back from these affairs charged up and ready to try new stuff. Really helps our congregation get involved. I’m just not sure about the speaker, though. Haven’t heard anything about him. Oh, well, I’ll be there.