Mandy

An interesting Sunday. When I got to church Fred handed me his new book “Fractal Time,” which he flagged for me to read the pertinent places. He said the whole thing reads fast, but if I’m cramped for time I could just hit the highlights. That was neat.

Then I started saying hello to everybody. Michelle and Barbara showed up and I had a nice conversation with Michelle. I offered treatments. She said she’d call me this coming week. That was good.

Patty’s sermon was VERY good. “Conscious Living.” She pointed out that paying attention to what you say is the key to living powerfully. As she talked I got it that I’m giving my power away to Jackie. When Vivian talks about J, I tend to fall right into the trap and get fearful, angry, worried, frustrated. That’s making that woman the focus of my thoughts. I know better than that. I was doing fine, not thinking of her, and Vivian’s – and Dorothy’s - continuous mentions of her slipped under my consciousness radar. I’ve been getting sucked into it. I’m adding and strengthening my attention on her, which is giving her power: I’m making myself vulnerable to her. Remember, **I** control my world. I have to stop the continuing loss of my power to her by changing MY mind, Every Time. She is completely messed up ON HER OWN. Remember, there is no evil. There’s only perception. So LIVE CONSCIOUSLY.

I took those notes as she spoke, and every one of them rang true for me. I know this stuff – it’s basic Unity thinking. I just needed to be told again. That’s what metaphysics are for: creating your world with your thought. So I gotta be aware.

This is such a double whammy. Last May I lost all my fear. That threw me into a complete limbo place where I had no past experience to use as an automatic action. I am in the Now and have to choose what I think and create every moment. EVERY moment. This goes back to Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power Of Now. Let go of the past, make your choices right now.

Then in June I lost my bipolar crutch. Joann, the VA counselor, said I was “normal.” That threw me into a new limbo state where I don’t have the old label and subsequent behaviors to rely on. I have to decide from moment to moment what I think, what I feel, what I do. Back in the Now.

And today Patty says to be conscious, stop giving my power away. Back into limbo: now I gotta pay attention all the time to keep from getting wrapped up in J again.

I’m beginning to think the Universe is giving me this lesson over and over and over again so I’ll get it – completely. Now all I have to do is become totally aware of what I’m thinking. Yeah, that’s a really hard row to hoe. But completely worth it. Getting rid of all influence of the J deal is a fabulous goal.

After the service I introduced myself to a couple of new people. It was their first time there, and they were tickled pink to be in a church that wasn’t fundamentalist. They were so impressed they went over to the bookstore and read through lots of volumes. After Fred and I counted the offering, he took off for the bank and I stayed to talk to them. Quite a conversation. They’re escapees from Houston, too.

Then Mandy got to talking about her book, about herbal solutions to daily problems. It’s her deceased mother’s compendium from twenty years of herb store ownership, and Mandy wants to get it published. Unfortunately it’s in a format that seems to be a problem. Now we gotta see if we can convert it across platforms, to get it to my Mac. She’s gonna try some things tomorrow, and let me know.

Mandy asked me to be her “Secret Agent Man” for the talent show in November. She wanted to get her son Josh to skulk around while she sang the song, acting stealthy. He flatly refused. So she asked me. Now I gotta get a hat, a coat, some sunglasses, and practice skulking. She’s a great singer, I gotta skulk at least halfway good to compliment her. Hey, at least it’s only for one song.

I’ll probably read one of my short stories. That’ll get me a slot in the action, anyway.

In the grocery store after church, buying milk, I picked up a couple of cans of biscuits – in the five-count containers – and wandered down the beer aisle heading for the cash registers. I looked just for grins and sure enough, they have O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer – in both regular and Amber – plus Coors NA. This is more selection than WalMart has, and the price is $4.99, instead of $5.49 over at WallyWorld. I’m tickled. I enjoy a beer ever so often. I never was able to drink the stuff because I got drunk so quick. Now I can enjoy the taste and not get messed up.

Later

It was a good nap. I needed that. Dorothy didn’t want a treatment, so I was able to sleep through that hour. Makes me want to sleep at this time every night. But I committed to doing her back. Now I’ve got my music playing – very peaceful – and I’ve gotten my stuff to take to the church tomorrow piled up so I won’t forget it. I’m taking my extra calculator down to put in the offering counting bag, because the one that’s in there has little bitty tiny buttons. Today Fred added up the checks and got three different amounts. I added them up and got two different amounts. I counted the checks and compared them against the copied sheets. I checked to be sure there were the same number of checks on the sheets as there were on the deposit slip. I went through and matched the names – and amounts – to the sheets AND to the deposit slip. I did the whole list – one by one, extremely carefully. I forced myself to do it consciously. With everything matched up, I began adding again. If I’d gotten a different total I was going to do it in tandem with him, somehow. I just didn’t want to have to go unplug the desk calculator and bring it into Patty’s office.

I got the same amount he’d gotten on one of his tries. That was a good sign. So I did it again. Got the same amount, again. Ah. Relief. And an unhappiness with that little bitty calculator. I have had these two solar-powered models since early 2000, and have only used the one. This spare has sat under a pile of paper on my other desk ever since I moved in here, and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to donate it. I’m making room for new good. Now to go through my closet and pull out all the clothes I don’t wear. Then the kitchen and pull out all the stuff I don’t use. Go through my file box and pull out all the papers I don’t need anymore. Make room for new good. That’s the way the Universe works: can’t pour Good into a bucket when it’s already full.

I haven’t had to take an ibuprofen for almost two weeks now. That means I’m not grinding my teeth anymore, and it means my teeth don’t ache. So the dentist was right: I’d bruised the nerves in my teeth with all the grinding and jaw clenching. Thank God they’ve gotten better. For a while there I wanted to have them all pulled. Yeah, they hurt that bad. Now I can stop carrying a zip lock baggie with ibu’s in it. No more hypochondriac.

So things are looking up – real up. It’s getting close to mid-July and I still have money in my checking account. I still have cash in my wallet. I’m finding I’m happier than I’ve been in my life. Speaking of which, the half-dose of Wellbutrin seems to be doing quite well. I’m not super-bright like I was. That’s real good. I felt I was speeding along, and didn’t wanna be. Today in church I was outgoing, happy, and friendly – but not talkingtoofastForrest. I was able to let others join the conversation. I wasn’t “ON.” I interacted. That was new for me.

It’s been hot outside. I’ve been going places in the middle of the day, and NOT being flattened by the heat. Oh, I feel a LOT better when I get back inside and cool off, but I’m not feeling light-headed when I’m out in it. Then again, I limit my time out in the heat as much as possible. I get out there, go somewhere, and go inside. I leave my truck windows open as often as possible. WalMart and HEB are places where I roll my windows up most of the way, then lock the doors. There’s nothing in there to be stolen, anyway. Why come back to a kiln on wheels when I can leave a 2-3” gap and let the heat boil out?

Jim went to Boerne today. The church there is run by Eddie, Patty’s husband. That’s also halfway between Jim and the home of a gal he wanted to meet. So they went to church there. Hope everything went well. He was very – VERY – enthused about meeting her. I don’t think he’ll be calling me tonight, because he knows I’m going to be at Vivian’s. I’ll hope to hear from him Monday.

Nope. He just called. I was talking to Vivian – she wants me down there right NOW, not in fifteen minutes – and he said he’s taking Patra around to show her off to his friends. He’s at Ken’s – there’s an hour if I ever heard of one – and then he’s gonna come over here with her. That means I’ll be really late getting downstairs, and it’ll be tough on ME tomorrow, getting to the church on time. I gotta remember to get some cash from her so I can pick up rolls of quarters at the bank, too. The washateria – for her bedspreads – takes a bunch of the little round coins.

And she’s Miffed. Pissed. Upset. Angry. Hurt. And a buncha other stuff. This is going to be hard on me. She’ll want me to stay later, to visit longer, so she’ll have time with me today. And I’ll be dragging tomorrow. I’ll have to sleep after I get back from the church, and that’ll mean I’ll have to miss giving Dorothy a treatment because I’ll be in bed. This is rapidly turning into a mess.

Jim’s been so unlucky in love for so long – as I have been – that when he finds a gal he really clicks with, he is so happy he wants to share with his buddies. I’m one of his buddies, we go back twelve years. That’s like forever in guy terms. Now he’s giddy with good feelings and I want to meet this gal. On the other hand, Vivian’s hurt that I’m not downstairs for the usual visitation time. What do I do? Tell Jim to stick it? I gotta balance my time between my Friends – I can’t NOT do that.

I feel torn. I think I’m going to ask Patty for a counseling session, talk about this. I don’t know who else to turn to. This is just getting to be too much for me to try to balance. I haven’t had to make choices like this before. I’ve always just given in, let her – whichever woman I was with – win, have her way. That led to some pretty bad – BAD – years with Sherry. I was completely under her thumb. Now I care very deeply about Vivian and don’t want to hurt her, but I feel like I’m losing my autonomy. I feel like I’m getting codependent. I feel lost.

So I’m going to talk to Patty. She has a really good way of showing me different views on things, and suggesting things I can do. I gotta figure out some way to make Vivian happy – she really deserves that – and to make me happy – I really deserve that – and to still have my life with Jim and Fred and the church…yet still take a nap every afternoon, arrange my schedule to be able to sleep until noon every day, take time to go walk eight laps around this complex (two miles) and yet somehow have time for writing.

Shit. My calendar is too full. I gotta cut out damn near everything. Simplify, simplify. Well, if I drop almost everything, I can live peacefully. I’m just torn between what I WANT to do and what I CAN do. It’s like I’ve moved into a monastery and have scheduled prayers all day, with short bursts of time available for work. This is a new thought for me. I feel mixed, here: I want to have a full, active life BECAUSE I NEVER COULD BEFORE!!

I’ve always been at the effect of my mood swings. I never had the opportunity to go be happy, to go do what I liked, because I was never sure when my mood would swing off the charts. Now that I’m stabilized, coherent, alert and able to manage myself – I have a sense of continuity, I won’t be thrown into the trash tomorrow – I feel like I want it all. I want to interact with people, laugh, be spontaneous, go places on the spur of the moment, let myself be carried away with joy – the joy of living.

I’ve never had that freedom. Now, on the Lamictal, I have it. I have the capacity to think, to feel, to be joyous. And I’m finding I can’t have it. I have to make allowances for my needing to sleep ten hours at a stretch – to keep my meds stabilizing me – and my need to have a spiritual home at the church – which includes my friendship with Fred – and my intense desire to spend some time with Jim a couple of days a week…and be close to Vivian every day, every evening.

And that seems to be the extent of my life. I have this emotional opening up, and this intellectual acknowledgement of my world being encircled with a fence. I’m torn. Badly.

But I also realize I got myself into this. I chose to follow this meds regimen. I know the limitations of my prescriptions, and how they affect me. I chose to get into this relationship with Vivian. I chose to continue my relationship with Jim. I chose to get deeply involved with my church.

It’s just that somewhere, time ran out. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all.

I feel cheated. Life’s handed me this beautiful new outlook, and cut off access to it.

I gotta talk to Patty.